The Out And Abouter

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Optimistic Ted Cruz Says Texans Can Expect A Return To Normal Levels Of Gun Violence By April

By Paul Duncan

New Strain Of Grim Resolve Detected In 7.5 Billion Human Beings

By Paul Duncan

US Holds Two-Minute Pause In Beating Of Protesters To Mark Death Of Civil Rights Icon John Lewis

By Paul Duncan

Taking Mask Protests To Their Inevitable Conclusion, Millions Of Americans Stop Wearing Pants

By Paul Duncan

Optimistic Ted Cruz Says Texans Can Expect A Return To Normal Levels Of Gun Violence By April

By Paul Duncan on March 12, 2021 • ( 7 Comments )

Just two days after the mask mandate in Texas officially came to an end, Senator Ted Cruz has issued yet another indication that death is returning to normal in the lone cell […]

New Strain Of Grim Resolve Detected In 7.5 Billion Human Beings

By Paul Duncan on December 22, 2020 • ( 6 Comments )

Researchers operating in laboratories, schools, elderly care facilities, kitchens, family rooms, and lonely one-bedroom apartments overlooking subdued and muffled cities, are reporting something unexpected: a new strain of grit and resilience appearing […]

Grounded By Global Travel Bans, US Military Stays Sharp By Attacking Own Citizens

By Paul Duncan on July 28, 2020 • ( 3 Comments )

“Well they have to practice on someone don’t they?” asked Shirley Naught, of Seattle, Washington, as a team of Navy Seals drove an amphibious assault vehicle through the window of a nearby […]

US Holds Two-Minute Pause In Beating Of Protesters To Mark Death Of Civil Rights Icon John Lewis

By Paul Duncan on July 18, 2020 • ( 9 Comments )

At 1:00 AM EDT this morning police forces across the United States paused in their beating of Black Lives Matter protesters to mark the passing of one of America’s great civil right’s […]

Taking Mask Protests To Their Inevitable Conclusion, Millions Of Americans Stop Wearing Pants

By Paul Duncan on July 7, 2020 • ( 6 Comments )

“You can’t make me!” Debra Pauntliss of Oakland, California screams at the top of her lungs as a preternaturally patient CVS employee firmly reminds the half-naked woman that she requires a mask, […]

Nation That Wants To Go To Mars Currently Unable To Go To Europe

By Paul Duncan on July 5, 2020 • ( 6 Comments )

The United States is said to be furiously reviewing their planned trajectory to Mars to make sure it doesn’t route through Europe, after that continent officially banned Americans from entering any time […]

Researchers Uncover Evidence You Can Both Love Your Country And Want It To Do Better

By Paul Duncan on July 1, 2020 • ( 8 Comments )

Researchers at the University of Unceded Territory say they have made a discovery that could turn a deeply nuanced world on its binary head: an entirely new type of patriotism. One in […]

Mars Officially Bans All Flights From Earth, Says It Will Review Policy In 5,000 Years

By Paul Duncan on July 1, 2020 • ( 34 Comments )

In a move that many saw coming, the council of Theoretical Life On Mars today banned all flights from Earth for at least the next five millennia, citing concerns over an outbreak […]

Violent And Unruly Mobs In Tactical Gear Take Over American Cities

By Paul Duncan on May 31, 2020 • ( 6 Comments )

Editor’s Note: The events in this article are true. The quotes are fictitious. The state of this situation requires this be made clear. In this, sadly, the satire now consists of simply presenting things baldly.  […]

Health Officials Announce Lowest Rates Of Homesickness In Recorded History

By Paul Duncan on May 21, 2020 • ( 4 Comments )

“Zero,” said Canadian Minister of Health Patty Hajdu, speaking to reporters via video conference from her home. “The total number of people in Canada who are currently homesick is zero. We have, […]

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