Nation That Wants To Go To Mars Currently Unable To Go To Europe

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By Paul Duncan on July 5, 2020 • ( 6 Comments )

In response to concerns the United States has badly bungled its response to the Covid-19 crisis, Trump pointed randomly into the sky.

The United States is said to be furiously reviewing their planned trajectory to Mars to make sure it doesn’t route through Europe, after that continent officially banned Americans from entering any time in the foreseeable future due to the Trump administration’s pandemic response officially going from bad to hearse.  

“Who needs Europe when you can vacation on the Martian Riviera?” asked White House Press Sacrifice Kayleigh McEnany, smiling so hard she dislocated her anterior Sean Spicer for the third time this week. 

“Europe is old news,” confirmed Trump when asked to account for the 132,000-and-counting Americans who have so far died from a disease that he claimed would disappear as recently as mother-fucking Wednesday (an official designation for all Wednesdays that have, and will, occurred under the bleedership of Donald Trump).  

“While I for one will miss visiting the pinnacles of human achievement those guys have over there, such as Euro Disney, McDonald’s, and the Tex Mex Cantina in Berlin, the truth is no one really needs access to the world’s largest economic market. Anyway enough about this planet and the problems of the present. Who wants to talk about other planets and the comfortably distant future?” 

Many Americans said that they could care less about not being allowed into Europe since they can always go to Canada or Mexico. When informed that both of these nations had closed their respective borders to residents of the US, some respondents claimed they’d heard the moons of Jupiter were lovely this time of year. 

Late today the European Union said they are considering allowing Americans to enter the EU some time after November 3, when the US will hold a referendum on whether their electorate prefers operating with similar competency levels to other first world countries, or would like to continue to function on a par with Russia and Brazil. 

Asked to confirm that this effectively means that an American is currently more welcome on the red planet than they are in Rome, a European Union spokesperson offered this response:

“I’m really not sure they’re welcome on Mars either.”

 

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Categories: News

Tagged as: Satire