Taking Mask Protests To Their Inevitable Conclusion, Millions Of Americans Stop Wearing Pants

img_6153“You can’t make me!” Debra Pauntliss of Oakland, California screams at the top of her lungs as a preternaturally patient CVS employee firmly reminds the half-naked woman that she requires a mask, pants, and a shirt to shop in this, a modern civilization attempting to survive a pandemic. 

“I know my riiiiiiights!” Pauntliss screams, as an extremely reluctant security guard slowly dons a hazmat suit and prepares to engage the sadly inevitable result of 250-years of telling a particular group of citizens they’re exceptional, without also teaching them basic civic responsibility.

And Debra is not alone in her mistaken belief that refusing to wear cloth over the damp sectors of one’s body is a demonstration of national pride. All across the United States, Americans are removing their clothes in the final stage of what can only be described as the dumbest fucking protest in the history of the planet. 

“Did you know that wearing pants puts your crotch in danger of extremely high levels of carbon dioxide?” says a man who is pointedly not wearing any at a large anti-mask protest in Oklahoma that is in no way distinguishable from a riot at a nudist colony.

Other geniuses in this highly cerebral movement point out that animals exist without textiles of any form covering any part of their bodies. While conveniently overlooking the fact that other animals frequently suffer mass culls due to disease. Something we presumably are all still in favour of not doing?

“God didn’t put us on this good Earth to wear clothes like some sort of good-looking mannequins standing all sexy-judgy in a store,” the man in Oklahoma adds from an unnecessarily close distance.

“And he sure as shit didn’t air drop us onto this planet to wear a mask. If that was his divine plan then don’t you think he’d have given us two extra flaps of skin to cover our air holes, as a working example of how to control the spread of potentially contagious droplets? Huh? Yes I can promise you my Lord and Savior would have done. And he dint,” the man concluded, finally closing his lips. 



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6 replies »

  1. Finally a statement we should put on our money to replace “In God We Trust:”

    “The inevitable result of telling citizens they’re exceptional, without teaching them basic civic responsibility.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pants, shmants. Pants have always been overrated. Despite the facts that they might delay sexual assault long enough for a potential victim to get away from a rapist who is wearing them, or that other Homo sapiens in the vicinity might suffer extreme visual assualt by their absence on a total retard who refuses to wear them, really, what good are they?


  3. Were people this upset when seatbelts became mandatory? The people who are always screaming about “the government can’t tell me what to do!” are usually the ones who DO need the government to tell them what to do.


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