Grounded By Global Travel Bans, US Military Stays Sharp By Attacking Own Citizens

portlandmilitarypolice“Well they have to practice on someone don’t they?” asked Shirley Naught, of Seattle, Washington, as a team of Navy Seals drove an amphibious assault vehicle through the window of a nearby 7-Eleven on suspicion that someone in the store held adverse feelings towards The Supremest (not to be confused with supremacist) President Of The United States, Donald Trump the First. 

“This is America,” Ms. Naught’s daughter added from the backseat of her mother’s car. “Don’t want to catch the army slippin’ now. Do we?” 

With global travel bans limiting the United States’ military from its usual foreign occupations in the name of an ill-defined and solipsistic concept loosely labelled “freedom”; in order to stay in shape the idle hand in the rawhide glove of American defense policy has begun punching itself in the face.

“It isn’t entirely correct to say our military are practicing on Americans,” corrects a US Army spokesperson, as he walks behind a line of unmarked military minivans on the outskirts of Portlandahar, Oregon, recently renamed by the Trump administration that we all honour and love immensely please don’t send the bomber drones and assault forces thank you.

“It’s also our shadowy and non-affiliated paramilitary forces who are gassing their fellow citizens in the streets, kneeling on voters’ necks, and throwing them into rented vans like these ones here.” He gestures cheerfully to the vehicles.

“How else do you expect us to stay prepared in these isolating times? You’ve heard of staycations right? Well, this is a stay-occupation.”



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