Health Officials Announce Lowest Rates Of Homesickness In Recorded History


Canadian Minister of Health Patty Hajdu, announcing that 37 million out of 37 million Canadians would rather be anywhere but home right now. 

“Zero,” said Canadian Minister of Health Patty Hajdu, speaking to reporters via video conference from her home. “The total number of people in Canada who are currently homesick is zero. We have, for the moment, eradicated homesickness.”

And with overnight summer camps having announced that they will remain closed this coming child-dumping season, it would appear that 2020 could become the first year since records began during which no one cried themselves to sleep wishing they could spend more time in their houses. 

“We do have people who are not able to be in their homes,” confirmed Ms. Hajdu looking deeply envious. “In most cases due to work. But they have all agreed that they are not, currently, in the least bit homesick. The lucky [expletive]ers.”

The situation is one which homesickness expert, Dr. Wanagohohm, admits he never expected to witness in his lifetime. 

“We’ve gone from as many as 4 out of 5 people expressing a strong, or very strong, desire to adjourn directly to their familial home, to absolutely no one wanting to be closer to their co-aboders right now,” the doctor said over Zoom, as his youngest daughter gouged at his eyes with a tiny hairbrush and his son burnt books in the corner of the room.

“In fact we have now entered uncharted territory, with 11 out of 10 people saying they would like to be anywhere but home, giving us a negative growth curve for homesickness, and creating a situation that can only be referred to as homelessnesssickness.”




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