Brace yourselves Canada. Tim Hortons – famous for selling litres of hot asswater, boxes of stale sugar pucks, and soups that are old enough to vote (all brought to you by an endemic culture of cutthroat business practices) – has entered the breakfast cereal market.
Not ones to hold back when they smell total market saturation, the distinctly Canadian brand (nothing too fancy, but no unions either eh?) has decided to dive in bread first, unveiling not one but two versions of cereal based on the shit they have left over after they’ve made their truly awful donuts. And to top it off, every box comes with your very own wage slave!
“That’s right folks, in every box of chocolate floor sweepings, or birthday cake crumbs from the sink, you’ll find a replica of one of our Tim Hortons’ action employees,” says the donut dynasty’s marketing manager, Mable Glazed.
“Free wage slave options include: Recent arrival to Canada, overqualified university graduate, senior citizen without a pension, or young person trying to save up for student debt. Collect all four!” the unsurprisingly manic marketer shouted into the void, before going on to point out that benefits for the free workers aren’t included. Or necessary.
“Now if you do get the whole set, just make sure you don’t let them organize into one of those communist collectives that people like to call unions,” Mable advises, grinning like a Tim Hortons franchise owner who has just informed his employees that bathroom breaks are off the clock. “Or before you know it you’ll be having to pay a fair and reasonable price for your breakfast cereal!”
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Categories: News
The Out And Abouter 
Even though you have labelled this not very funny article as “satire”, I suggest you may be coming dangerously close to slandering Tim Hortons because there are always people out there who will take it literally and Tim Hortons may not like it. Just saying. BTW, I am a lawyer with no connection to Tim Hortons except that I do like their donuts.
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Thanks for your input Boris. Have an asswater for me next time you’re near a Timmies.
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Have you tried one Paul? Is it worth the trip to Timmies?
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I have! First coffee I ever had in fact, at the one that used to be right on the corner of Dundas and Victoria, first year at Ryerson. It was bilgewater but less than a buck, and no one minded if you killed a whole afternoon sitting there.
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Ahh Mr. Duncan you slander so well. But now I have to wonder Mr., I may be named after a rival donut franchise, if there is a sinister motive to this satire? Asswater indeed. And by the way, I’ll take two wage slaves please — the non-pensioner and the student debt slave. I know just who to give them to in my family.
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Kieran, you see straight through me as though I were the very tepid dishwater that my competitor sells as coffee. I thought swapping a few letters around and adding an apostrophe would work. But curse, foiled again. Back to me billion dollar empire.
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Duncan Donuts are the best
If you can’t finish them
Stuff the mattress with the rest.
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Some crappy cereal wont save Timmys.
They’ve steadily gone down hill for years. Coffee and doughnuts was the draw. Good coffee. Now we can’t get doughnuts and the coffee sucks. The staff works very hard. Franchise owners are making big bucks. But they refuse to pay a living wage. Time to boycott anything with Tim Hortons logo. I doubt he’s happy watching his name be destroyed. Now 99 has a touching commercial for them. He’s a turncoat too. No cereal or coffee for me until wages go up and unions are allowed so they get some protection.
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