“Two bags please,” Tammie Fields says, eyeing the grocery store cashier carefully, waiting for her moment to strike. When the total is rung up she asks to pay by debit, then taps the […]
CPC Christmas Cards Wish Canadians Best Of Luck Enjoying The Christmas The Liberals Ruined
“Merry Christmas!” The CPC-issued seasonal cards wish their supporters before continuing breathlessly on, “Or it would be if it hadn’t been ruined by Liberal overspending, ethics breaches, an ice rink how dare […]
Trump Still Won’t Rule Out Tariffs On Presents Originating From The North Pole
Saying the Santa Free Trade Agreement (SAFTA) is ‘terrible’ and ‘the worst deal ever,’ Donald Trump today doubled down on earlier threats to blockade the North Pole this coming Christmas, calling for […]
Cruz And Trump Jr. Announce Launch Of New Fad Diet: Eat What An Asshole Would Eat
“We knew right away that we were on to something amazing,” says Donald Trump Jr., relating the story of how he and Ted Cruz came to be even bigger assholes then they […]
Just Seven Shopping Days Left Till Man Decides His Presence Alone Is Gift Enough
“What do you get the person who has everything?” Windsor-area man Todd Spudnik asks rhetorically from the driver’s seat of the postal truck he is whipping in endless donuts around a Walmart […]
Denying Existence Of Climate Change, GOP Releases Own Photos Of Thriving Polar Bears
In response to National Geographic’s viral video of an emaciated polar bear dragging itself across Somerset Island – reportedly trying to reach Elon Musk to ask if there’s any way it […]
Scheer Accused Of Trying To Bribe Harjit Sajjan Into Revealing How To Grow A Moustache
In a follicle-quivering moment in parliament today, Harjit Sajjan, the Minister of National Defence – and Canada’s reigning Chin Bristles champion of six years running – rose and dropped a metaphorical shaving-cream […]
Putin Confirms He Has Won The 2018 Moscow Marathon
Despite the race still being more than nine months away, Vladimir Putin, president of what remains of the once-great USSR, today stated that he has decided to enter the Moscow Marathon in […]
Immediately After Forgetting To Check Himself, Area Man Predictably Wrecks Himself
As every Canadian knows, you ignore the words of legendary actor Ice Cube at your own piggity-peril. But yet many do so every day, suffering the entirely predictable consequences of wrecking themselves […]
Teary Trudeau Apologizes To Stone-Hearted Canadians Who Don’t Like Seeing A Man Cry
Pausing during a spirited round of carolling on Parliament Hill today – midway through singing Wham!’s Last Christmas while looking wistfully out over an Ottawa that is still mad about his ice rink with […]