Canada Calves Three New European Countries As Annual Spring Thaw Continues

Greater Holland, bound for the English Channel after quietly falling off of Canada earlier today.

“Lesser Germany, Minor France, and Greater Holland. Beauties all,” a scientist from Environment Canada intoned proudly into his headset, as he hovered in a Coast Guard helicopter above the three new countries that today calved off of the mega-nation of Canada, and are now rapidly drifting towards a land-starved Europe. 

High winds and warming temperatures along the east coast led to the three new countries splitting off from the Canadian massif, each one instantly being given a flag, a national anthem, a seat at the United Nations, and an ingrained distrust of Republican presidents, as per the National Standards For Exporting Large Frozen Chunks Of Canada Act Of 1882. 

“Those are some great little countries right there,” said Dr. Tim McChucken, pointing out the finer features of the soon-to-be European landbergs, as Canada’s nail clippings trundled eastward.

“As long as they don’t run into the Azores, or an indecisive obstacle like the United Kingdom, those uninhabited bits of Canada will be welcome European nations in no time, full of fine cuisine, heavily-tiered class systems, and an unassailable appreciation for polka music that you just don’t find on this side of the Atlantic.”

A long-standing source for European countries (Ireland calved off of Newfoundland in 1851, proof of which can be found in the shared accent and love of jigging) many residents of the small, overcrowded micro-continent of Europe welcomed the news that more Canada was heading their way. 

“Thank God,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “We were getting dangerously low on ice, comedians, and disarming friendliness.”

The breakaway countries are expected to take 4-6 weeks to complete the long float to their new homes somewhere along the Atlantic seaboards of either Portugal, Spain, France, or – in a worst case scenario – the U.K., where they’d likely either be destroyed or locked behind a hard border, over fears that new things bring increased prosperity and improved quality of life.

“It’s the last thing our little island needs,” said one firm Brexiter, as he watched a BBC report on the enormous pieces of dandruff cascading off of Canada’s vast mane, on a pub telly in a bar with a television. 

“We don’t need any extra land just showing up here, unannounced, unwanted, and unchecked for diseases like socialism, and a belief in diversity. I have half a mind to get in me dory and row on out there to meet those damned bits of Canada midway across, and tell them to just turn themselves around and head on back to Scotia Nova or whatever Canada calls their eastern jetty. I won’t though. I’ll just sit here and bitch. ‘Tis the British way.”

“Oh you can’t stop them,” chuckled Dr. McChucken, when he learned that not of all the countries to leeward of Canada’s nation factory are necessarily happy to be receiving picture landcards from See-Eh. 

“We’re an enormous nation of bonhomie and no boundaries. Not only would it be a vast insult to try to return, or decline, one of the many minor countries we produce every year during the spring thaw, but it’s actually impossible. Have you heard of the Gulf Stream? You can’t tow landmasses that size back against such a current. It’s simply impossible. No, I’d suggest they all just do like we do, and say thank you. A lot.”


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2 replies »

  1. Paul: This is totally unrelated to anything so far: I used to play hockey and there were once only 6 teams and fighting words back then were to call a Canadian “Canuck”. I was amazed when one team actually called self the Canucks. Was I originally misinformed. If so, why did I wind up in the penalty box with another player in his penalty box? That was what started it all.


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