Elite Canadian foot soldiers, on their way to a community knife fight.
In an exclusive, the Out and Abouter has obtained an advanced copy of a report by the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States of America (First Edition), that reveals a startling fact about the superpower’s supposedly benign neighbours: Canadians own millions of feet knives. And they sharpen them regularly.
Ostensibly used for transport across frozen water, as many as 8 out of 10 Canadians reportedly own their own pair of sole scimitars, and – in one of the most startling revelations of the communique – children as young as two or three are often given the lethal boots FOR CHRISTMAS. In fact, the smaller a child is, the more blades they have on their feet – in what appears to be a government program to turn little Canadians into tiny, parka-ed, kick assassins.
A photo of a cheerily clad child trooper. The embedded American agent who took this picture has been posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor.
“Obviously this raises a lot of questions about how a cleverly hidden, guerrilla training program was allowed to happen on our very doorstep,” said CIA Director Gina Haspel. “An early analysis indicates that by pretending to need the boot daggers to play their favourite sports, Canadians opened a series of Shaolin Temples of Frozen Fury (which they call ‘rinks’) right under our eyes. The investigation into how, and why, our otherwise well-behaved allies have done this continues, but I must say: pretty effin’ carefully.”
“Well it certainly puts figure-skating in a new light,” added noted American security expert, General Sherman. “I mean, we have ice dancers here in the U.S. too of course, but they’re subjected to background checks and can’t take their velvet cutlasses outside of a registered skating range. Because: safety. As far as we can determine, in Canada, any old psycho, teenager, or middle-aged person looking to destroy what’s left of their knees, can buy themselves a shiny new pair of loafer lancets at a place called ‘Canadian Tire’.
A very poorly camouflaged armoury.
The general went on to state that it was his recommendation that the United States use their advanced weaponry to preventatively take out these warehouses of death and good deals, “Before we’re overrun by millions of smiling, hot-chocolate-swilling insurgents wearing shank sneakers.”
Reached for comment, a representative of the Canadian embassy in Washington was suspiciously dismissive of the CIA’s concerns, at one point laughing good-naturedly for more than two minutes before asking if this was a serious call.
“That’s all part of their training,” said Sherman, who listened in on the call, and afterwards said it gave him the shivers. “Be nice until they see the whites of your eyes, and then ask if you want to play a friendly game of shoe swords. Winner gets North America.”
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Categories: News
The Out And Abouter 
Arming 2-year-olds for Christmas. The National Rifle Association’s wet dream. Does Canadian Tire have background checks for these weapons?
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Of course. Standard Canadian security screening: ask if you know Dave, and then ask Dave if he knows you.
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It is apparent you are pretty dull. The NRA is about safety programs and keeping our rights. What I find disturbing is this is what an Intelligence agency and tax money is wasted on.
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Rolf. As much money was spent in the making of this satire as the total number of people made safer by the NRA.
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My dad always said we learned to skate before we could walk. Ninjas on ice.
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Weaver and Poje have been mind programmed by CCMKUltraBlackTacksOps in university?
CCM gave up selling their electric cars in 190….?
Skate control won’t be easily introduced. Like gun control. I will freeze my skates onto my feet. Let the Feds cut the laces. From my cold, dead, ffffffff…wonder we all did not perish skating everywhere like we did. Oh yeah. Common sense. Guns are safe. You can check the ice. Rural people.
In Russia even. Even Michigan.
City people are too cool. They don’t need firearms. Or skates.
They can rent them.
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“We will not be dilly-dallying, we are very, very organized,” Weaver said. “This presents a unique challenge for us, one we’ve never done before, I don’t know if anyone has ever done it before. We’ve scheduled our down time with (technical) callers, with our coaches… It’s a risk, but it’s one we are ready and excited for.”
I am just reporting fact. They need to be watched.
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I know, even without checking, that these words have never been said in this order before Ben. So there’s that.
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I should know better than to read your posts while I’m at work. My colleagues suspect me of having an emotional disorder — one that causes inappropriate laughter and repeating of odd phrases such as “sword sneakers.”
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Not only did I successfully bring several pairs of sword sneakers into the USA when I immigrated, I carry, at all times 1 pair in the trunk of my car with associated head leg n elbow armor to downtown Nashville where(shhhhh) I work in State government. Also there is a graphite type sword as well with a Sidney Crosby curve on the blade portion
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And the Dutch say, in their best Crocodile Dundee accents ; “Those aren’t knives…”
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There are even rumours That the border between Ontario and Manitoba in Canada and Northern Minnesota in the USA has been compromised by people on skates travelling between the two countries influence peddling regarding skating and even taking children across the border to play hockey between the two countries.
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