Friend Admits His Love Of Space Less About Liking Stars, More About How Over Earth He Is

A Calgary-area man has today clarified his stance on outer space for his assembled friends, many of whom had become confused after he repeatedly declined invitations to their star-viewing parties, despite frequently sharing articles on Facebook about Elon Musk’s plans to send people to Mars, and having a profile photo in which he is wearing an astronaut’s helmet. 

“What I like about space isn’t so much the physics, the mind-boggling scale, or the logistical difficulties we as a species face in our attempts to safely travel and live in it. I like space because, much of the time, I am simply over life on this particular planet. It’s an absence, more than a presence,” the man, Stuart Middle, told his friends as they met for after-work beers. This led to a brief silence before all gathered nodded, and returned their pints.

As a young absence-of-earth lover, Stuart relates how he collected all of the possible ways to vacate this blue marble of insanity. Rockets, shuttles, x-wing aircraft, whimsically large catapults, all found a parking place beneath his bed, where young Stuart would spend hours preparing for his great departure.

“I don’t want to be negative,” Stuart says as his mates move on to discussing what would happen if you could drop a flashlight in a black hole. “But sometimes I get overwhelmed by how relentlessly cacophonic life can get down here. And wish I could put myself into orbit so I don’t have to worry about what an asshole my boss is, or the fact that this planet is home to people who will fire nine rounds a second into a crowd of strangers.”


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