NEWARK – In a move that has been expected by everyone other than humans for quite some time, the rest of life on Earth today voted to do what has to be […]
Rest Of Earth’s Inhabitants Vote To Phase Out People By The Year 2040
Following Vicious Battle For Power, Remote Penal Colony Bows To New Leader
The distant prison island of Australia is today experiencing a rare moment of peace, following a pitched and bloody battle for the leadership for that colony of direct descendants of criminals and […]
Trump Nominates Pontius Pilate For Supreme Court Justice
“He’s a good man, strong on enforcing the law,” said Donald Trump, wading soberly into a supreme court nomination that will likely outlive him by a factor of ten – and has […]
White House Says ‘Be Best’ Is As Correct Grammatically As Separating Families Is Morally
In their relentless search for firsts, the United States has today admitted that the 2,000 children separated from their parents at the border by American officials over the last six weeks, fall […]
Terrifying Images Emerge From Within Once-Peaceful-Now-A-Security-Threat Nation Of Canada
WARNING: The following article contains images of people generally enjoying life and not bothering anyone. They cannot be unseen. In the wake of Donald Trump’s declaration that Canada represents a security threat, […]
Trump Tells Naval Grads There Is Nothing They Can’t Do As Long As They Don’t Have Bone Spurs
“There is no sea the Navy can’t brave and there is no storm the American sailor can’t conquer,” said President Trump today, addressing the U.S. Navy and Marine Corps graduating class of […]
More Cheers For Pope As He Admits Galileo’s Math Checks Out
Sensing he was on a roll following a recent wave of accolades for his (only in private to one person) admission that God’s love is, in fact, large enough to cover people […]
Elon Musk Reluctantly Returns Boring Analysts To Earth In Perfectly Synchronized Landing
“Ask a stupid question, get launched into space without a suit,” says Elon Musk, casually swiping through a sequence of rocket trajectory vectors on an iPad while somewhere in the blue sky […]
Saying It Feels Like The Big Hand Is Mocking Him, Trump Demands A Digital Doomsday Clock
In a first for the Bulletin Of Atomic Scientists, the agency has been forced to issue a digital, bedside, version of the common wall-mounted clock that has, up until now, been used to […]
“Small Rock Full Of Short-Lived Beings Obsessed With Coupons.” Alien Yelp Reviews Of Earth Intercepted
A deep-space listening project in the New Mexico desert appears to have intercepted what many believe to be the first extraterrestrial communications received on our planet. And, oddly, they appear to be Yelp-style […]
The Out And Abouter 