Breaking: Donald Trump Spotted Getting Into A White Bronco

img_1243Saying he was just heading out to collect “Pompeo and Pence and take them for a little drive through the country. To another country,” U.S. President Donald Trump was spotted today climbing into a dated-but-perfectly-symbolic white Ford Bronco, here in Washington, DC.

The president looked disoriented and disheveled after learning that he may, for the first time in his life, face an actual consequence for his actions – following the House of Representatives voting to impeach him for contravening his nation’s constitution in two of the thousands of ways he has publicly admitted. He paused when he got into the 26 year old car (a model that has always symbolized sheer, unbridled innocence to the American public). 

Staring vacantly ahead, he at one point seemed to almost be taking stock of the administrative wreckage – and real world pain, anguish and death – he has left in his wake as the worst precedent of a celebrity president one could possibly conceivable. But this impression of self-reflection was quickly dispelled when Trump manually rolled down the window to ask if anyone knew where the on button was, or barring that had a sharpie he could use. 

After relinquishing the wheel to close friend Rudy Giuliani, who appeared from the backseat like a toothy, undead nightmare, the president slowly rolled out of the parking lot, his police entourage completing the full throwback effect to the first time America live-streamed a former celebrity as they melted down over being a deeply inept criminal. 

With the United States currently bounded on both sides by two countries that Trump has repeatedly dragged, and oceans at either end that have been known to swallow even the very largest of egos without a second thought, the president’s slow motion recreation of O.J. Simpson’s attempt to escape himself seemed likely to involve being turned away at two international borders – an event that would certainly be a grace note of sweet justice in this cacophonous shitphony of an administration.




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