Scotland And Canada Reportedly In Talks To Form An “Alliance Of The Fecking Sane”

canada scotlandFollowing a leak earlier this week of the next Scottish referendum question (“Should we not just fuck right off with Iceland, Greenland, and Canada, and form an alliance of The Fecking Sane? Aye or Aye?”) the northernmost country in the United Kingdom, and equally polar-proximal nation of Canada, have reportedly entered into talks to formalize a binding agreement that much of the rest of the world Are/Arr Off/Aff Their/Thare Bleedin’/Frickin’ Heads/Heids.

For Scotland, the sudden interest in a Really North Atlantic Treaty stems from the recent British elections, which saw the majority of the UK vote in favour of Getting Brexit Done – while the Scots themselves voted to continue to have things like jobs, groceries, and Europeans.

For their part, the Canadians say they’re just looking forward to doing business with someone who speaks intelligibly. It is believed to be the first time the Scots have been called this by anyone ever, and the kilted country has already asked the Canadians if they wouldn’t mind posting that as a comment on their national TripAdvisor page. 36 million times. Ta.

“We’ve come togethah teh-day as tooh of the fyou rrahmaining nations that apparruntly stuhl believe in wild ideahls like facktss, and myouchuahl rrrespeckt,” said Scotland’s First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, addressing reporters outside the Reykjavík resort where she and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau were co-hosting the Meetings For Northern Countries Not Led By Utter Cunts. 

“First Minister Sturgeon says we’ve come together today as two of the few remaining countries that still believe in wild ideals such as facts and mutual respect,” Prime Minister Trudeau dutifully translated for the assembled, as Sturgeon nodded along empathetically.

Experts say the main sticking points on an alliance between the two nations will likely centre around: Bagpipes (the Scots want to export them to Canada, Canada has said they can just send them to Australia thanks), haggis (currently listed on Canada’s no-fly list), and curling (Scotland still holds four of Canada’s five best curlers in their prisons, following the Great Brier Cup Brawl of 2006). 

But these minor matters are likely to pale in comparison to the commonalities, and sense, shared between the Canadians and Scots. As Trudeau said to the Scottish contingent later, in an intimate meeting between himself, three or four high ranking officials, and everyone on Earth listening in via a directional microphone hidden in a potted plant, “It’s a lonely job being the sensible hat on a mad man wrapped in a flag. It’s good to have some company.” 




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29 replies »

      • US States can’t join,as soon as they’re in they demand Freedoms like carrying guns,beside who wants to argue with their Pres?Yes , serve Haggis and Poutine and for dessert fried Mars bars,lots of Whiskey( Canadian made one‘s)let’s the Icelanders join,their stinking fish meals will be a perfect addition to the Haggis and Poutine.When all the food is eaten and the Whiskey barrel empty lets the play the bagpipes,by that time no one will be offended by the false notes and squeaky sounds,maybe you could add some Alphorn playing to the cacophony as a special effect.


  1. As a pro-independence Scottish person, I thoroughly enjoyed this humourous wee rant. It’s true enough that England has taken leave of its senses after a long journey into the darkness that is Brexit. Apparently they won the war, dontcha know? It seems that rationing was okay, 3 working day weeks and power cuts were character building. I don’t know what the future holds but hopefully we’ll get the opportunity to make our voice heard on the question of independence. The First Minister is a tough political cookie so we’re in safe hands – she’ll fight Scotland’s corner every step of the way. :o)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Fascinating idea.
    Does it matter whether Iceland is EU? /not.
    And a complaint:—
    This is **false**:—
    “the recent British elections, which saw the majority of the UK vote in favour of Getting Brexit Done”
    43.6% voted for tory/bp candidates
    **Not “the majority” !
    Yes I know this is a satirical article
    Please try to keep it real

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Paul. I just want you to know that not only do we tend curl better than then the Scots we also have more Bagpipe Bands than you do. So the only sticking point would be the Haggis and maybe Deep Fried Mars Bars, How do Scots dream up these things to eat? May I suggest you keep the food and we will sent you a nice plate of Poutine.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Actually, we Canadians have no problems with bagpipes. I have been to a number of weddings where the bride was piped in; every village of more than 100 people and every military unit bigger than a platoon has a pipe band not to speak of evey police force. Our current Prime Minister is 3/4 Scottish despite his French canadian name: His mother, Margaret Sinclair, was the daughter of two Scottish immigrants, his paternal grandmother, Grace Eliott was from Montreal’s Scottish upper class. The Scots have had more influence on Canada than even Scotland: All the Husdon’s Bay factors and explorers (just look at the names of rivers and towns in Wester Canada–Mackenzie, Fraser, Bell, Campbell river, etc.), a lot of politicians including a number of Prime Minister (Macdonald, Mackenzie, Mackenzie- King, Trudeau).

    And we are better curlers!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Parts of North Carolina would like to join, we have our own pipers and St Andrews.. And a lot of Golf… And you can send all the whiskey you can spare….we’re a wee bit thirsty down here..

    Liked by 1 person

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