Google Buys Naming Rights To Every Child Born In The Next 25 Years For $83 Billion


New parents, lovingly welcoming Fitbit Adsense Smith to the world.

In a move that industry insiders are calling “gross” and “pretty fucked up,” Google’s parent company Alphabet today quietly acquired the rights to name every single child born on this planet for the next quarter-century whatever the company wants. 

“Haha don’t worry guys, it’s totally cool,” said Google’s Director of Feel Good Operations, Pere Asetich, “We’ll be giving your kids these completely whimsical handles that will be both odes to the past on the daily, and nods to the future on the reg. And we’ll be saving you time doing it. Time you can spend loving your child, just like in this sublimely-lit, emotionally-musicked, and tightly-edited video clip currently rolling behind me.”

Shots of a generically ecstatic family with perfectly proportioned limbs frolicking in long grass at sunset passed before the gathered reporters incredulous eyes. Everyone looked like they wanted to cry. 

While a total of 0 out of the 7.53 billion people on Earth say they remember giving their consent to this, the darkest moment in a history of capitalism that has seen its share of shadows, a press release from Google says it was in the terms of use that everyone de facto agreed to the first time they heard the word YouTube. 

“And besides,” Asetich said, flipping to ‘California Unassuming’ on his phone’s expression-selector app, “We’re going to pay you $10 per kid, and then $0.05 every time you enter your child’s name and deepest fear into a search engine. Ten cents if you @ us.”

Every civil rights group, internet watchdog, consumer protection syndicate, government, parent, child, talking horse, and imbedded alien on Earth, have expressed apoplectic outrage over the development. To which the tech giant – which currently owns 3/4 of the observable universe, and is directly brokering a deal with space-time for the remaining 400% – responded with a press release which was just the term “value add” repeated 46 times, followed by a clip of Bono’s lips whispering “the future is now” into an old-timey microphone.




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