Breaking: Canada Not Sorry


It is believed to be the first confirmed public sighting of unapologetic Canadians since the 2006 release of Trailer Park Boys: The Movie. (Photo: The Canadian Press, Chris Young)

CHURONNO – As they took to madly celebrating their first basketball championship, the remote northern nation of Canada (pronounced KAAN-AH-DAH) has immediately made one thing absolutely clear: This time, they are not sorry. 

With the Game 6 final score of 114-110 still fresh and warm, not yet having taken up its special place in the walk-in freezer of Canadian history, the home-and-native-landers threw their arms in the air and let out a collective, prolonged, guttural rebel yell. One that echoed from rocky coast, to rocky coast, to frozen coast, to border hedge, and served notice that they’re here. They’re sincere. And they’re proud. 

“Fuck Yessssssssssss!” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau shouted at his television as he leapt off his sofa in the oak-panelled walls of his residence. “Trump can kiss my firm buttocks! That’s it, he’s gone. That was the bet! And no I will not apologize for swearing!”

“We did it fam!!!” Screamed Toronto Mayor John Tory, before repeatedly throwing an uncontrollably laughing Drake two stories in the air. “We. The. Northernmost!!!!

And the 36 million other people insane enough to live in the world’s best kept secret – hidden by icy fogs, thick forests, and a respect for personal space that borders on the psychotic – were likewise unabashed in their tossing of caution to windward in an unsafe and ill-considered manner. 

“Holy shit we won!!!!” Bellowed the entire country. “Is that ok? You know what? Don’t even answer that! We don’t care!!!!!!!”




(We did it fam. Holy shit we did it.)


Categories: News

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13 replies »

  1. Holy shit, indeed! Thanks, Paul, for another piece well worth sharing on this joyous occasion. The Reblog button wasn’t cooperating, so I’ve shared through the WP Reader.


  2. Don’t cha just feel a little bit sorry for beating up on a team of injured old men from the bay area? Just a little guilt? Com’on Canada, you know you do… Say it. Say you are sorry to the men with their torn muscles and tendons.

    Liked by 2 people

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