The Queen Seen Practicing Clavicle Strike In Preparation For Trump’s Visit


An unamused Queen, on her way to an emergency review of her brass knuckles collection.

Primal screams filled the usually muted environs of Buckingham Castle’s western greeting hall, as the Queen, in camouflage exercise tights, and a black sweatshirt with bold pink letters reading “Nasty Majesty,” worked through her daily self-defence routine early this morning. The sovereign head of the United Kingdom was grimly preparing for U.S. President Donald Trump’s upcoming visit. And she was taking no chances.

“Clavicle smash with the edge of your hand, kick to the groin, knee to your orange assailant’s forehead. Walk away.” Connor McGregor clapped his hands as he coached the Queen, the former UFC star’s Irish accent echoing in the gilded chambers. “That’s it. Swagger. Stalk around him. Fake a punch to Melania, get her cringing. Good, now back to Trump. Stand over him like Ali. Make him wish he never ran for office, much less thought he could come over here after slagging off our nutmeg, Ms. Meghan Markle.”

The uptick in intensity of the Queen’s hand-to-hand combat training comes after Trump took the unusual step of endorsing Boris Johnson for “president, king, or whatever those tea-spillers call their leader,” before going on to call Markle nasty; leading to the immediate deployment for Mar-A-Lago of a U.K. warship full of marines with stern looks.

While already well-versed in the subtle arts of putting a visiting boor in his place via deft royal slights such as not blinking, drinking her Pimms without ice, and galloping around the room on a white horse while blowing a hunting bugle, the Queen also appears ready to take matters into the hardened edges of her lethal hands.

Finishing off her routine with McGregor by reducing a large punching bag to a shredded pile of leather and stuffing, the 93-year-old monarch turned and walked calmly out of the greeting hall. She paused at the doorway, adjusted her cardigan, wiped a single bead of perspiration off her brow, and without turning back into the room said quietly over her shoulder:

“It ain’t bragging if you can back it up.”


For more hand-to-hand satire, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.


6 replies »

  1. Gawd. I wish she would do this. For real. She’s the only lady in the world that could get away with it.
    And I can sèe it in my minds eye. So satisfying!
    Go ‘ Gramma Liz.!


  2. She already has the look. Now she just needs a ruler so she can rap knuckles when the man who never grew past adolescence starts making inappropriate comments. “Cause he will, at least until he gets upset and storms out of the room.


  3. I’m not one to take jabs at the President for my own personal reasons. I honestly feel like and believe it’s quite possible Donald has access to any and everything posted on social media and when and if something catches his attention he just might make it where the one saying it regrets ever doing it. All that being said I do like what I read and find it most funny in a friendly kind of way. I definitely would love to witness the Queen giving Donald a good ole spitfire tongue lashing as I’m sure she could do it and not miss a beat. Seeing her flog him granny style during one of his temper tantrum fits would be something to enjoy everytime it was remembered. I truly believe she would handle the situation like grandma would have when the child acted like a spoiled little brat cause he didn’t get his way. I don’t really have much to say in the way of Donald being our president. I will say tho I’m very concerned about our country’s welfare due to all that is going on between us and these other countries like China and North Korea. I just hope and pray things start improving soon and the world leaders can start building a more stable and friendly relationship with each other. I love everyone and I believe in equality for all but I know none of that matters and doesn’t change a thing that’s going on now in the world.


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