“This prime minister has shown time and time again that when dealing with the elemental, unbending forces of our universe, he is either incapable, or uninterested, in negotiating the best possible deal on behalf of the hard working, tax-paying, men and women and children and fur babies of Canada,” said Conservative party leader Andrew Scheer to reporters today, addressing the magnetic north pole’s gradual departure from Canada, and increasing speed towards Russia.
“A Conservative government would have given no quarter in negotiating a better World Magnetic Model with the powers that be,” he added with a resolute, if unjustified, display of self-confidence.
“Powers such as the movements of the Earth’s liquid outer core?” asked one reporter, seeking clarification.
“Correct,” the would-be leader of Canada stated, nodding emphatically and attempting to look stately, even as a shadow of doubt passed across his face, like a cloud darkening an empty school playground between recesses.
And Scheer wasn’t alone in finding fault with the prime minister for failing to keep the compasses of the world pointed at Canada.
“First Trudeau let Canadians down when it came to getting their oil to market,” said Alberta’s Jason Kenney, backing up his baby-faced federal brethren with a bellicose broadside.
“Then he failed them by not standing up to Trump on tariffs, at the exact same time as failing them by standing too firmly against Trump on tariffs. Today he found a new way to let us all down, when he let the north pole – and its 14,000 associated jobs – be driven out of Canada by his government’s anti-business, anti-polarity driven agenda. It turns out that when it comes to magnetic forces, being positive has its negatives. And vice versa. Hence our platform, ‘Make Canada North Again’.”
Reached for comment from its molten position 3000 km beneath the Earth’s surface, the magnetic north pole expressed surprise at the entire situation.
“What is a people?” the collective influence of countless, minute, electrically-charged particles said, in a rare statement from the fundamental force of nature. “Where is a Siberia? And who the hell listens to an Andrew Scheer?”