Car Already Planning On Calling In Flat Tomorrow


“Screw it,” the generally reliable family vehicle was heard to say, “I’ve got some flat days coming.”

As an icy blast of living well to the north on a planet with a tilted axis descends on the unsuspecting inhabitants of Canada and the northern United States this weekend, many cars have already decided they’re just going to go ahead and call in flat tomorrow.

“I can already feeling my tires shrinking,” said a Dodge Grand Caravan to his next door neighbour, an old Civic with balding tires, who tries to stay off the roads as much as possible between September and June. “And that breeze is catching me right in the lug nuts. There’s no way in hell I’m taking the kids to swimming lessons in the morning.”

Adding that his owners really should have thought about all this when they decided not to bother organizing the garage at the end of the summer this year, leaving the 2011 SXT model minivan out in temperatures that rival the vacuum of space, Carry says the whole situation is deeply demotivating.

“You’d think I hadn’t safely conveyed them for well over 160,000 kilometres of northern roadway. Some thanks I get. I’ve got half a mind to need a new transmission.”

With his oil slowly turning to a petrochemical mousse in temperatures best measured in Kelvin, and the voltage in his battery dipping below the number of Canadians who have made out in a minivan and told anyone about it, Carry audibly crinkles the seals around his doors, and settles in for a weekend of being dead. 

“As a doornail. Go ahead. Call Uncle Jim with the jumper cables. See if I don’t freeze the  hood shut and then throw a burned out starter motor at you. I told you. I’m flat.”

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2 replies »

  1. I love that line, “voltage in his battery dipping below the number of Canadians who have made out in a minivan and told anyone about it.” To help you out, I have just told my 91 year old mother that I made out in a minivan in Kingston 10 years ago. You’re welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

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