On the left, a young person enjoying the first cool blush of winter. On the right, a dead Jack Nicholson.
In a move that is already being heralded by the Scandinavians as, “Easily the hurdiest, and quite possibly the gurdiest thing that country has ever done,” Canada today announced its plans to officially divide the initially enjoyable hell of winter into two distinct sub-seasons: “Oh Look At The Snow,” and “Is There A Way To Drive In The Fetal Position?”
“It was the number one response we received to a completely unrelated poll we conducted regarding winter tire use,” said Sooka Fouponesment, a representative of Environment Canada, as she addressed the media from somewhere in the cryogenically frozen kingdom’s 9.9 million km².
“Canadians were adamant that having just one seasonal title covering half the year is at best inadequate, and at worst, diabolically misleading.”
“It makes it sound like the seasons are equally weighted,” complained Ned Abrech, a resident of Death Outside, Alberta – one of Canada’s fastest growing towns. “When we all know that spring and fall up here are equivalent in length to the time it takes a freezer door to swing open and shut, as our country is pulled out of cold storage and chucked on the grill – unthawed – for a quick summer barbecue between snow squalls.”
While no official date as been set for the patience solstice, Environment Canada says that most years it will fall on the point in the calendar that Canadians start refusing to leave the house in anything less than the warm embrace of a well-fed polar bear.
“Dividing nature’s unsubtle and extended attempts at genocide into two seasons will help Canadians identify which part of the dark tunnel between October and May they are in,” enthuses Ms. Fouponesment. “A form of linguistic braille, if you will, but for people who’ve lost their fingers to frostbite.”
Though she admits that naming the second act of winter “The Fuck” is a bit salty by most Canadian’s standards, Fouponesment is quick to justify the moniker.
“By that point in the season, so is everything else.”
With the new “This Is Nice” sub-season having already come and gone for all of the Canadian cities not touching the Pacific Ocean, the federal government has announced that any Canadians who have already openly wondered if running out of toilet paper really constitutes a reason to go out, should feel free to set their seasonal terminology to the latter of the two names.
“While we certainly don’t want to downplay the ‘This Is Nice’ section of our winter, let’s be honest,” concluded Sooka, firing up her gas-powered boot heaters, and stepping into her down-filled truck. “When exposed skin can freeze in less than two minutes, we’re moving straight to ‘The Fuck.'”
For more sub-zero satire, follow The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.
Categories: News
The Out And Abouter 
I am so glad that I have lived through 73 seasons of the bimodal winter (without even knowing that there were two parts to it) so that the minute The Fuck starts, I go somewhere warm until April.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You may have skimmed over the hurdy gurdy man — only old-timers and elders even know what that means. BTW, I am out of TP and it’s raining or snowing or hailing or something. All I know it’s wet and I’m not going outside. All those newspapers I hoarded since before the Internet has finally come in useful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
As always timely and informative. Gives me something to do between carrying in firewood and emptying ashes.
LikeLiked by 1 person
With the exception of those times I’m sitting safely inside with a cup of tea, admiring the fresh-fallen heavy snow crowning the branches of spruce trees and not worrying about the perils of winter walking or driving, I’m entirely in the second camp. Winter: you can have it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I work outdoors, and can report that in recent years we have multiple cycles of spring and the fuck between October and April, thanks to climate change. I sometimes have to wear a bikini under my parka to be prepared for every eventuality.
LikeLiked by 1 person
On the wet coast we have “this is nice” and “the duck” weather, requiring webbed feet. The toilet paper is already wet when you get it home.
LikeLike
I should have never immigrated to this godforsaken country.. da fuck.
LikeLike
In order to respect the law about the two officials langages of our country, I suggest an official French designation for the new winter subdivisions :
1- C’est donc ben beau
2- De kossé
LikeLike
Has Canada hit “da Fuck” yet. It just turned to fall this week in Arizona?
LikeLiked by 1 person