In Moving Speech, US President Tells Americans They Have Nothing To Fear Except Canada Itself

By Paul Duncan on September 1, 2018 • ( 8 Comments )

In a speech that is already being hailed as a turning point in the LOLed War between the United States and Canada, Donald Trump today delivered a somber reminder to Americans that friends who refuse to just cave on trade negotiations, are in fact: frenemies.

Leaning heavily on a speech delivered by Franklin D. Roosevelt at his poorly attended inauguration, Trump made it clear that there is a new axis of terror. One that has just a single wheel: a Canadian Tire.

“First of all,” the 45th president said, his voice echoing in the completely empty room, as everyone else in Washington disloyally attended the funeral of decorated war hero, senator, and never-Trumper, John McCain. “Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is…[Canada] itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified [Canada] which paralyzes needed efforts to convert [America] into [Great Again].”

The declaration went on from there, as Trump’s sonorous tones attracted pigeons from the National Mall, broke crystalware, and caused new parents along the entire Eastern Seaboard to reach instinctively for the diaper cream.

“The practices of the unscrupulous [Canadians] stand indicted in the court of [my] opinion, rejected by the hearts and minds of [me],” the president continued, altering Roosevelt’s historic address without reservation, explanation, or any credit to his predecessor.

“I am prepared under my constitutional duty to recommend the measures that a stricken Nation in the midst of a [trade negotiation] may require.”

Here Trump paused and surveyed the deserted room. He checked his watch. He flipped through Twitter. He adjusted his tie. No one arrived. He eventually carried on, alone, after reminding himself that he has a better approval rating than Abraham Lincoln.

“But in the event that the Congress shall fail to take one of these two courses, and in the event that [Mueller] is still [investigating me], I shall not evade the clear course of duty that will then confront me. I shall ask the Congress for the one remaining instrument to meet the crisis — broad Executive power to wage a war against the [Canada], as great as the power that would be given to me if we were in fact invaded by [the Canada].”

Initial reactions to Trump’s addition to the canon of great American croaklore appears to be falling along largely partisan lines.

“What about Canada’s emails?” asked the many Americans susceptible to Russian-influenced propaganda; or willing to look the other way regarding the same, as long as they don’t have to put up with a black president telling them that guns are related to shootings.

While everyone else asked, “Are we seriously adopting ‘Blame Canada’ as our new foreign policy?”