Conservatives Surprisingly Less Keen To Discuss The Half Of All Canadians Who Support Free University

Ignoring their own recently updated requirements for holding a national debate on a subject (any issue which polls indicate at least half of all Canadians feel strongly about – the country has yet to hear from any Conservatives on the matter of free university tuition; this despite 53% of Canadians supporting that initiative. A similar number to the amount of Canadians ostensibly concerned about immigration (following a concerted campaign by the Conservatives telling Canadians to be concerned about immigration).

“I’m sure they’re just working out the best wording for their tweets,” said a staunch CPC supporter named Gerald Tutts, refreshing his Twitter app in hopes that maybe this swipe will show that his favoured parties choice of issue isn’t some sort of coldly calculated wedge driven between Canadians coast to coast.

“I know my Conservatives, and if they say they care about anything that matters to half of all Canadians, then they care about anything that matters to half of all Canadians. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m expecting a statement shortly on the status of free university, higher corporate tax rates, and bringing back the Expos.”

Even seasoned political analysts appear surprised by the reluctance of the Cons to widen the scope of their concern-beam to all issues, rather than just immigration, a matter which seems – at first glance – to be favoured as a talking point because of its ability to take advantage of a group of people who have a limited voice in Canadian politics, and is thus especially susceptible to fear-mongering.

“But that can’t be it,” says Jeff Naiviti, chief analyst for CBSA News. “That would be so horribly cynical, and manipulative. Only a group of total assholes would resort to using that as a campaign strategy. And if they did, that there’d be obvious tells, such as infighting, and rabble-rousing tweets, and associations with intolerant organizations. While I admit I’ve been sailing around the world for the last two years and this is my first contact with land in months, I’m sure that isn’t happening. Right?”

Reached for comment, a CPC spokesperson said that they will not be addressing free tuition, gym memberships, winter tires, or federally-mandated coffee stands on all street corners at this time (all of which enjoy excessive public interest).

“Our focus at this time does not extend to those matters,” the spokesperson said, looking nervously around for back-up, before continuing uncertainly on. “Free university is a nice ideal. But not as nice as demonizing people looking for a better life, and undermining a longstanding growth strategy of this nation. And that is what this party is all about. No further questions.”

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