Immigrants Continue To Ruin Canada With Gold In The Men’s 10,000m Speedskating

van bloemenThe fabric of Canada continued to unravel yesterday, as a man wearing a head covering delivered an astounding performance in Pyeongchang to bring the gold medal back to a nation of immigrants with short memories, who in turn reluctantly agreed that ok he could stay. 

Having arrived in Canada from the Netherlands just four years ago, in search of a better place to raise his enormous legs, Ted-Jan Bloemen has since afflicted this nation with a world record in the 10,000m in 2015, silver medal earlier these games in the 5,000m, and now, to top it all off, the destabilizing influence of a gold medal.

“Yeah alright. If you set an Olympic record and beat Kramer in the long track 10k then I guess you’re allowed in,” said one man, putting down yesterday’s edition of the Toronto Sun to glare at the world. “But no collecting welfare ya hear? And if I catch you speaking any of that funny other language stuff around my kids we are going to have words. In INGGGGGLISH, alright?”

Across Canada pints were raised to our new favourite immigrant, who not only won a medal but was decent enough to keep the narrative simple by not being brown or Muslim, which would have made this an even thornier pill to swallow for the old stock Canadian still reeling from the nation’s population density moving from 3 Canadians per square kilometre to 4.

“It’s getting crowded is all,” shouted one imaginary Canadian to another across the nearly three football fields of space between them. “All these damn Olympians coming in here and taking our jobs.”

“What?” Said the other imaginary Canadian. “I can’t hear you. Too much space. But hey did you see we got gold in the 10,000 meters? Pretty good eh?”


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