In a return to their roots as an industry disruptor, Airbnb today announced an entirely new way of looking at the business of accepting money from people for the privilege to sleep somewhere.
“And we’re going to call it ‘Renting,'” explained the large conglomerate’s newly minted spokesperson, Kato Kaelin – the man who still polls as America’s most famous house guest, despite the passage of time and renewed questions about the legality of OJ Simpson’s conviction.
“What Airbnb has done is nothing short of revolutionary,” the now 58-year-old actor declares to a rapt crowd of investors, as dramatic music plays and a large fan blows his blond hair back in luxurious undulations. “Using extra-super-computers in a vault under the Sierra Nevada mountains, the kind that run on nothing but the crema of espressos made by under-paid, overly sarcastic thirty-somethings who wish they could afford to move out but can’t, this company has crunched all the data, and discovered a previously untapped market.” Pausing for effect, Kaelin spreads his arms wide, his toga – which until moments ago seemed rather out of place – suddenly reminiscent of Moses descending from Mount Sinai all those millennia ago to tell everyone where they would live for the next forty years.
“Airbnb has come to the conclusion that there are people, who live among us, who do not…own…homes.”
Gasps, shouts, and cries to the dear lord in heaven above followed. A man fainted. Somewhere a sheep screamed. A strange light filled the room.
“Ay. It is true. I have witnessed it myself. More than that, I have been such a person. Incidentally it landed me in a murder trial. Cautionary tale, somewhat related. Let us press on.”
“No more! Nay. No longer will these people with no homes to call their own have to roam the untilled loam, moving from one Tuesday-to-Friday booking to a Saturday-to-Saturday reservation that doesn’t accept pets, and on and on and jeez those cleaning fees really add up. No I tell you. Because with the launch of ‘Renting,’ Airbnb has opened the path for people to do what has never been done before: pay shitloads of money to live in a house they wish they could afford the down payment on. Forever.”
Using a complicated sequence of graphs and previously unseen dance moves, Kato led the crowd on a voyage of demographical discovery, which culminated in a fury of hand gestures and pie charts that made it clear that many North Americans will never be able to afford their own abode, in large part because Airbnb has priced everyone out of the downtown cores of every major urban centre from Key West to Yellowknife.
“This may seem like a bad thing. Until you realize this great company, is now going to give back. By extending our nightly rates into monthly rates, and allowing people to pay these exorbitant rates year round. That’s right everyone, it is called: Rent. The slogan is ”Do the due.’ Let the revolution begin.”
With that Mr. Kaelin attempted to release a boxful of white doves, but in a turn of events many described as ‘analogous,’ none of the birds would take to wing; apparently due to concerns there would be nowhere to land, thus creating an odd, unnatural stalemate.
Categories: News
The Out And Abouter 