For First Time In 250 Years, Quebec In Favour Of Assimilation

By Paul Duncan on October 22, 2017 • ( Leave a comment )

In a surprise move, the province that gave Canada its second official language and has vociferously fought for the right to preserve its own unique culture, has now stated it sees the inherent value in assimilation.

“Oui,” says Marcel Troubedeau, a sign-measurer for the Quebec Language Police Services, and regular online commenter with a penchant for ellipses. “These people…they think they can just be ‘ere…not change…and try to make a small country inside the big country? What is this…? Do they think….they are French or something?”

M. Troubedeau is referring, of course, to Quebec’s new ban on face coverings, recently enacted to address the serious safety and security issues arising from people not being recognized when receiving or implementing public services – a problem that nationwide claimed a total of zero lives in all of last year, and at one point nearly caused a line to form at a Ministry of Transport kiosk.

Many Canadians expressed surprise that a province which has twice held a referendum on leaving Canada, are now the vanguard in protecting Canadian values, which apparently has been updated to include a total insensibility to irony.

“Yeah. It’s sort of hard to see how this works,” says Jimmy Sheppard, in Okotoks, Alberta. “The province that has regularly lectured the rest of Canada on the strength of our differences, is now going to protect everyone from…differences?”

While official statements from the Prime Minister’s Office have been cautious to not offend the notoriously sensitive province – perhaps sending them spinning off into another referendum – behind closed doors insiders say incredulity has been the order of the day.

“This is Canada,” said one aide to PM who asked to remain anonymous, as per their rights. “We all spend half the year under 15 centimeters of wool. No one is ‘recognizable’ as anything more than a walking sales bin at Old Navy. How in the hell are they going to enforce this?”

The aide politely paused while a reporter finished taking notes.

“Now hang on while I say that again in French. Are you ready?”