World’s Cartographers Scramble To Locate Nambia, Africa’s Newest Covfefe

As a Cartographer of The Order of Knights, John Williams can recreate, from memory, a detailed map of every major landmass on earth, including international borders, all lakes over 100 square-kilometres, and towns with more than one ATM. So it was with no small amount of surprise that he learned, mid-afternoon on an otherwise sleepy Wednesday, that an entirely new country had arisen without his knowledge. 

“Nambia,” he says, muttering under his breath as he peers at a large, very detailed map of Africa, “Nambia, Nambia, Nambia. Where are you? I know you’re here somewhere. I just heard Trump refer to your excellent response to the Ebola crisis, so you clearly exist. Well. Here’s Zambia. And there’s Namibia. Have they joined?”

Online forums devoted to maps buzzed with the news that a new nation had formed somewhere in Africa, one that holds the rare honour of being in Trump’s good books. Many wondered if this was the country that the US president’s billionaire friends were going to do business, as he had mentioned in a brief speech so full of condescension small rain clouds formed in the hall while he bellicosed.

“Can’t find it anywhere,” wrote one user, going by the handle Extended_Map_Leave, “Tried all combos: Nabmania, Nimba, Banibia, nothing turning up.”

The moderator of the forum (‘Dividered We Stand’) stepped in at this point and asked if anyone had searched through the covfefes. A pause of a few minutes followed, and then a user, Fits_Like_A_Globe, declared he’d found it. 

“Yep. Right there in the middle of the sun-Saharan covfefes. Founded by Ted Cruz’s father in 1963, current president Barack Obama. Whelp, I guess we all have some maps to update. Keep your pencils sharp folks, and your meridians prime. Peace.”

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