Jagmeet Singh Accused Of Conspiring To Bring Suave Fashion Sense To An Unsuspecting Canada

“I know what you’re up to,” a recently released video shows a woman shouting at Jagmeet Singh, NDP incumbent for the Ontario riding of Bramalea-Gore-Malton, “With your blazers, your bow ties, and your beard wax. You’re trying to introduce style, elan, and male grooming to Canada. And I’m here to tell you: over my dead, Joe Fresh-wearing body!” 

Mr. Singh appears unruffled in the video, at one point explaining to the assembled onlookers – there to listen to his platform to become leader of the federal NDPs, and hoping to also learn how to tie a cravat – that growing up as a good-looking man with an irrepressible fashion sense, he was used to being accosted by the haters. 

“Usually what they really want is to bury their noses in the crook of my neck and have me tell them I will never leave. Thankfully as a practicing Sikh I can simply say my religion forbids this and leave it at that, which helps to avoid any awkward personal rejections.”

The situation resolved itself when a quick-thinking attendant managed to find an old Facebook photo of Jagmeet in his college days, wearing Roots jogging pants and a Dream Warriors t-shirt while playing Nintendo 64. 

“But he still looks so handsome,” the slightly mollified protester says, dismayed at the inherent cruelty in God’s gifting of natural beauty to some and not others.

“He can’t help it,” the attendant is heard to say as she leads the angrivist away, promising her a ride to the closest Levis outlet, “And although I’m not authorized to tell you this, I will let you in on a little secret: he dyes his beard.”


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