After a spending most of a sunny Sunday afternoon in a closed-door meeting, the editorial team of the NY Times have emerged looking weary but certain.
“There’s really no other way to put it,” said Harold Bloomfield, head of headlines at the venerable paper, which has managed to make it nearly 17 decades without dropping the F-bomb in bold type. “While it is a crude term, we are talking about a crude man. It has become clear that this is a simple, verifiable, peer-reviewed fact: Donald Trump is a fucking idiot. Calling him anything else is both misleading and inaccurate.”
The paper has yet to reveal the actual headline wording, and wouldn’t rule out using asterisks to denote the ‘u-c-k’ section of the common vulgarity, but said that it is ‘very likely’ they will echo the exact words uttered by hundreds of millions of Americans upon learning today that their president sees nothing wrong with sharing doctored wrestling videos of himself acting like a, well, fucking idiot, ten years ago.
“This isn’t a proud moment for us here at the paper,” said Bloomfield while rubbing his temples. “We don’t do this with the same sort of frantic glee that I imagine Trump takes from being a walking, talking Exxon Valdez spill on the shores of our nation’s psyche. This is a sad day at this institution, having to describe our president in these terms. To paraphrase Leonard Cohen, it’s a cold and it’s a broken ‘fucking idiot.'”
While admitting there was much to be said for the argument that the news media shouldn’t stoop to the lower echelons that Trump is pulling the entire nation down to, Bloomfield said that in the end, “We can only reach for the thesaurus so many times with this guy.”
Too bad this is satire. Its fucking awesome!