Parents Concerned Lower Speed Limits Would Affect Their Ability To Speed Home To Prevent Their Children From Walking Along Streets Full Of Crazy Drivers.



Calls to lower the speed limit across the City of Toronto from ‘Usually Fatal’ to ’50/50,’ are being met with resistance from a wide array of speedsters; libertarians; overbooked parents; and people who drive Deloreans equipped with flux-capacitors and zany scientists who just might change everything we know about time.

“It takes me 11 minutes and 13 seconds to get from work to home, as long as I don’t look left at any right turns and floor it whenever I see a flashing hand with under 10 seconds left to go on it,” Says John Longwood, an outspoken critic of the speed restriction proposal, and who runs two popular commuter blogs, respectively called How To Claw Back Seconds Of Your Life, and Highway Is a State Of Mind.

“Restricting speeds by 10 kilometers per hour would directly cost me almost 120 seconds of my life, per way, per day.” John says, going on to patiently explain that to make up for this he would be forced to pilot his car at excessive speeds through grocery store parking lots and some green spaces, or purchase his daughter body armour for the walk home from school, as he would be unable to make it the pick up time and thus powerless to protect her from other people who drive cars through gas stations without fuelling, or braking.

“How is that fair?” John asks. “This is just another example of an over-reaching government trying to keep everyone alive and prevent rushed, distracted drivers from committing manslaughter while trying to get to Shopper’s Drug Mart before it closes for an entire 8 hours. And I for one am not having it.”


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