Unprecedented Numbers Of Buried Americans Are Ready To Roll In Their Graves On Tuesday Night


Photo: Michael Milford, ‘A View Of Lines Of Unmarked Gravestones.’

“Forsooth, my good man,” says Colonel Jim McAfferty, former above-ground resident of Albany, New York, and now leader of the Dead Democrats for Change Foundation. “I most certainly will be tumbling in my late abode should that swindling swine Trump, of a colour most unnatural, become the next president.” The Colonel explained his distress at the surprising popularity of Trump, saying the Republican candidate stood for everything he had fought against in his time as a non-rotting person. Which was namely: “Wholesale stupidity at an unreasonable volume.”

Across the afterlife many notable souls have decried the rise of The Donald. Martin Luther King Jr. has reportedly begun giving ominous speeches that start with the words, “I have a nightmare.” And recent arrival Mohammed Ali has been lobbying to be allowed back into Life, as he’d like to tell Trump directly: “That if he even dreams of winning, he’d better wake up and apologize.”

For his part, Abraham Lincoln interrupted his haunting of Gettysburg while the Trump campaign visited that location, to avoid any possibility that an appearance by his ghost might be seen to be sanctioning the Trump candidacy. The 16th president later added, in an interview with Walter Cronkite that was broadcast dead on the CBS Eternal News, “Not only do I withhold my endorsement for that man as president, but indeed for his worthiness to share the breath of this nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”

While generally unable to affect events, many of the dead we spoke to indicated that they intend to make their protest known by rotating in their graves, and are even taking early steps to do so should the worst happen.

Early suffragist, Susan B. Anthony, shouted up through six feet of upstate New York soil, a description of her preparations. “Portentously I didst remove my left femur, and have, at no small cost of pain and gnashing of teeth, relocated my pelvic region into a newly vertical aspect. Thus I am ready, at the first predictions of the galloping horsemen of CNN, to roll my cadaver in a manner most grievous.”

She added that she sincerely, and not just a little selfishly, hoped this would not be necessary. “My remnants have now remained immobile some 11 decades since being lowered into the ground, and I have truly tried, at times more successfully than others, to rest in peace. But should that swollen prostate of a man carry the day, rest assured, I will be raising a truly heinous clattering of bones.”




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1 reply »

  1. truly… rolling on the floor laughing uproariously! Sooo glad i did not tune in with this in early November, would probably have gone halfway under myself with the sheer weight of my denial…!


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