Russia Names Lance Armstrong As Flag Bearer For Rio Games


Lance Armstrong (not pictured: intravenously attached goat)

The Russian Federation Of Science Experiments In Sport has today announced that disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong will carry their nation’s flag at the Rio games, and will do so while connected to a blood-cleansing machine he shares with a live goat, as per his habit.

Vladimir Putin referenced the honour being bestowed on the Texas super doper in a rousing send-off speech he delivered to the remaining members of the Russian team yesterday, as they gathered in the world’s largest hyperbaric chamber shortly before being given their anti-gravity devices and having their hearts replaced with micro-nuclear furnaces.

“Although his name is as American as trailer parks and living on credit, Lance Armstrong is a true Russian in his obsession with being the best at any cost, including all of his friends and personal reputation. Everyone knows it isn’t how you win, but that you repeatedly crush everyone in your path and deny all wrongdoing in the face of overwhelming evidence. This is the Russian way. Although I have never met Lance, we are brothers. Or clones. Whichever is more advanced and easily replicated.”

The chamber erupted into very squeaky cheers and a number of team members broke into a traditional Russian dance, smashing syringes on the floor while repeatedly shaving and regrowing their beards in a furious flurry of furry.

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