Britain Votes To Discourage Migration By Ruining Country

By Paul Duncan on June 24, 2016 • ( 1 Comment )

An Ostrich Pillow. It’s a real thing. Currently out of stock.

Continuing to look as surprised as everyone else on earth, Boris Johnson emerged from his Ostrich Pillow (pictured) this evening to take yet more questions on the future of Britain, and was starting to show the wear of actually getting what he professed to want.

“No, that is categorically untrue. I did, in fact, consider this might actually happen, I just didn’t consider it for long or get very far. There are a lot of variables at play here, and chief among them is that we have a great deal of negotiating to do with the people we have just said some rather nasty things about. So, stiff upper lip and pass the brown the sauce what.”

A brief lull in the rampant questioning followed as those gathered waited for more of an explanation, with the barrage resuming as soon as it became clear that this was all that would be forthcoming on that from the former mayor of London, yet another half of a thought dressed up in a thick woolie cardigan and wellies, found wandering around looking for it’s spectacles because Coronation Street was about to start.

Looking beset Boris was lifting his fringe to assess a route of egress from the fray when a question from the back caught his fancy; asking if he could point to any immediate good that came from yesterday’s vote.

“I absolutely can. I have reports that on the European mainland many migrants are already rethinking their plans of making for the United Kingdom. With the pound in the tank, the markets roiling, and uncertainty looking to be the only certainty for the near future, no one in their right minds now wants to come and live in this country.”

“As a matter of fact,” he proceeded with gusto, “I’m being told a great many Brits are asking themselves whether they want to continue living here, and that there is a rush of applications for European passports. Which is just fine. As Nige and I have made clear throughout this campaign, our UK has no need of planners and sober-second-thoughters. We are of one mind on this. There will be no further questions at this time, and I would like to close with a quote from Mary Poppins.” As he headed for the door, donning his bicycle helmet as he went, he stated the never more ominous lines from the 1964 seminal classic:

“Anything can happen if you let it.” And with that he pulled his bike out of his wallet, turned on his headlamp, and cycled 2 meters into a wall.

Categories: Featured